Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you?

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room; well I'm here with you...

I'm going to do something I don't do very often: defend douchebag behavior.

If you know anything about me, that should pique your interest. But first, some background.

I have had similar conversations - twice with Pearl and maybe a few bazillion times with Karen - about the ways that guys respond when you either a. tell them you have a boyfriend, or b. tell them you're not interested in dating them. I mean, it's possible to conflate the two if you want. It basically amounts to the same thing. Usually, "a" will lead to "b" although admittedly, "b" doesn't always lead to "a". But that is neither here nor there. In both cases, I have heard Pearl and Karen tell me about how annoying it is that guys will suddenly... not necessarily stop talking to them, but at least... I dunno, lose interest in hanging out or something of the sort.

This is understandably annoying. After all, when guys do this, it really does seem like they're only talking to you in order to, if not "get in your pants" (which I always take pains to point out, is not necessarily the case), then at least in the pursuit of a relationship. And this can obviously get annoying when you're not looking to enter into a relationship (with them).

Now, Pearl sometimes talks about how that's the reason why she sometimes debates to herself about setting her relationship status on facebook. And Karen has ranted about how she doesn't like telling guys that she's not looking for a relationship because when she does that, some otherwise "good" guys (as she calls them) tend to lose interest in "being friends". And here's where it gets interesting. Up until yesterday afternoon, my response has always been the same. And that response has always been, do you really want to be friends with the kind of guy who will stop talking to you just because he finds out that you're either in a relationship or not looking? I mean, you (the plural you) say that you don't like telling guys that you're in a relationship or not looking because "otherwise good guys" stop talking to you. If they stop talking to you, then these are not actually "good" guys are they? Like I said to Pearl, if a guy sees your facebook relationship status and stops talking to you, then he's not really a guy you want to hang out with is he? You should be glad that your relationship status is filtering out all the douchebags and only leaves you with genuinely "good" guys; not just the guys who you, in your innocent youth and stupidity, mistakenly THINK to be a good guy when any genuinely good guy will able to tell you he's a sleazebag from a mile away.

That has always been my stance on this whole issue. Because as I always say, being "nice" is a perspective. You do not decide to be nice or not nice depending on the situation. Any guy who's only nice in some situations, but suddenly becomes a douchebag in others, isn't really a nice guy. And I mean, that's STILL my stance on the whole thing. I didn't have an epiphany yesterday that somehow justified douchebagotry. But I did have an epiphany yesterday that might, at least, help girls understand exactly how the situation stands from the viewpoint of a guy (since girls are notoriously fond of thinking they know while being notoriously wrong every time they try. But I exempt the girls who read my blog; you tend to be girls of the unique variety so it's possible that you already know this).

In order to illustrate how my epiphany came about, I do have to admit that I seem to have developed a pash for Pearl. Here's hoping she doesn't read this. And for those of you who do read this, don't tell her! But to the point. Now, everyone knows that I'm big on principles. So I know that it's wrong to stop talking to/hang out less with Pearl just because she has a boyfriend. I just spent the last 4 paragraphs detailing why this is so. I also know that I've become a positive influence on her life. So I would never stop talking to her, or trying to broaden her horizons, or making a difference in her life. It's simply contrary to my nature. I can't not be part of her life if she appreciates it and wants me to...

But MAN, is it hard sometimes.

It really is. I mean, I'm pretty much as nice and considerate as they come. Yes, I am sarcastic, yes I am an intellectual elitist, yes I can be abrasive if you're a douchebag. But those are pretty on-the-surface traits that I can set aside if I need. Fundamentally, I'm a pretty decent person (some might argue too nice and too considerate for my own good sometimes) and I think most people will acknowledge this about me. And even still, for someone like me, you do realize how difficult it can be to cultivate anything deeper (friendship-wise) than a casual friendship with a girl you like enough. It's just... think of it this way: it's like cultivating a garden that will only ever bloom halfway. Sure, some people will argue that at least you get to see the seeds grow into stems and you might even see the pretty little buds with their closed petals - and that is reward enough for the effort you put into planting the seeds and watering them everyday. But a lot of people would also rather not plant a garden at all if the plants will never reach full bloom (or worse/more accurately, if the plants will only bloom for someone else).

This is what happens when guys decide not to talk to girls who have no interest in them or are already in a relationship. Yes, it's a terrible thing to do. Yes, it's a sign that they're probably at least a partial douchebag (if not a giant one). Yes, a truly nice guy won't stop talking to you just because they have no hope of dating you. These are all true facts. And yes, you have every right to be indignant that guys would behave in such a way. BUT, please do keep in mind that you're asking a guy to cultivate a garden that will never fully bloom for him. You're asking him to be grateful for at least being able to see the stems and the buds and being satisfied that they played a part in its growth, without ever seeing you in full bloom. Please understand that THIS IS HARD. And while we know that nothing good in life ever comes easy, you also have to recognize, to use one of my favorite analogies, that it's like squeezing juice. A lot of guys simply decide that, in the case of being friends with a girl they really like, the juice is simply not worth the squeeze.

There's a quotation (anonymous, so Caitlyn, don't ask me who penned it) that goes: "If you truly love [care about] someone, then the only thing you want for them is to be happy - even if it's not with you." While this is substantially correct, you also have to be a saint to truly embrace this viewpoint. Boys with raging hormones are HARDLY your typical saints. So at the end of everything, even though I wouldn't personally do what these guys do, I can hardly bring myself to condemn their behavior is harshly as I used to.